Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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