I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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