Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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