You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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