your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
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My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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