I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
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Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
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He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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