if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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