M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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