In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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