Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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