Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
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Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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