i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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