You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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