Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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