nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
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if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
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But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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