He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
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I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
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who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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