I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
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He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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