how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
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I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
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I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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