theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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