dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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