Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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