life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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