i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
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So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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