i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
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today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
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You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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