you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
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We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
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You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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