I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
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I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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