it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
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this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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