No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
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Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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