I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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