Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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