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Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
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