i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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