All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize