I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize