alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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