I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
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Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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