so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
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If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
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is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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