A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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