the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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