Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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