I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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