the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
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For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
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She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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