i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
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I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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