dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
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He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
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Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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