Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
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What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
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I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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