i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
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I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
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I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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