So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
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The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
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Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I need water and some morals
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