I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize