I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
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I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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