someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
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Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
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She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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